The Human Element: Online Cheaters—From Chat Room To Cheap Motel?

​

Is online chatting really cheating? A new study shows many married folks don’t think so.

​

By Eric Butterfield

February 10, 2004

​

Cheating on a spouse may be nearly as old as the institution of marriage itself. et’s face it: No matter how evolved we think we are, we’re just a bunch of monkeys that can’t stop dallying. What has evolved is the meeting place that jumpstarts these illicit sexual escapades. Over the course of time, people moved from meeting around their village wells to picking each other up in smoky watering holes. Now all that has been traded in for Internet chat rooms. And these online speakeasies are fueling a sexual revolution that’s redefining infidelity.

 

​Is an online affair really cheating? No, not really, say most regulars in “married but flirting” chat rooms. In a study by Beatriz Mileham at the University of Florida, 83 percent of these married thrill-seekers said their online behavior didn’t break their vows. The remaining 17 percent saw it as a weak and justifiable form of infidelity. Regardless, this online dabbling remained hidden from spouses. Why the secrecy?

 

Maybe those cagey chatters subconsciously understood what other research has shown: Despite a lack of physical contact, most spouses feel as pained by an online dalliance as if a motel room had been booked. While the betrayal feels no less real—often it becomes so. Of the married participants in Mileham’s study, 30 percent ended up meeting their online paramour. Almost all of them moved into an old-fashioned affair, with only two stopping short.

 

To see what kind of salacious extramarital action was going on, I entered one of the 40-odd “Married But Looking” chat rooms on Yahoo. I expected to see a flurry of explicit banter. But the raciest thing I saw, apart from some of the participants’ address names, was carguy5623 asking, “Anyone from Illinois?”

 

The chat room’s audio meter showed that people were talking, so I turned it up--just in time to hear a slow-talking man with a southern drawl say, “I don’t like Windows XP. It’s too easy.”

 

​Admittedly, it was a little early in the evening. Perhaps this was the hour for PG married flirting. But later, a lot of the chat was still just—chat. I read descriptions of New York City neighborhoods and other banter, interspersed with generic requests like, “39/m/maryland any ladies wanna chat?”

 

There is no official definition of cybersex, just as there isn’t any consensus on whether it constitutes adultery. What is clear is that when given the protection of anonymity, our urges often take over. We can pursue our fantasies without fear of being embarrassed or shamed. People post pictures of themselves (or just their privates) that they would never tack up on a supermarket bulletin board. Online, people reveal intimate secrets and express desires that they’ve never told their wife or husband.

 

As for defining infidelity, I guess married couples will have to decide for themselves whether big_hot_stud264 is allowed to visit such chat rooms, or whether hotfinebabe341 is allowed to receive private messages--or if having such an online ID is inappropriate in the first place for a spouse carrying on secret Web chats.

 

All the computer technology in the world won’t change human nature. We need sex, and a faceless stranger will do just fine.

 

In the Information Age, the greatest thrill is having no information at all.